CHAPTER 3-Mirroring

So we now have a basic understanding of how to control our language to achieve a positive outcome. But if you use words alone, you will seem very artificial, even if you feel totally confident and also use anchorage. Mirroring is a great way to have someone sense an instant connection with you, and it takes little more than a gesture here, a smile there! Have you ever noticed when talking to someone, or just sitting near someone, that you are both in the same body posture, e.g. folded arms, clasped fists, and you both seem to keep in the same gestures at the same time? This means you have a good rapport with this person. Next time you are in a room of people, have a look around, who are in the same positions as each other? Mirroring is exactly this.

Think about what you do unconsciously, your body language will often support what you are saying, yet if you don’t feel totally confident in what you are saying, your behaviours will not support your desired outcome, this comes across strongly to your subject. But, if we can learn how we should hold ourselves, what gestures we should do and when, almost like stage directions in a play script, then we will appear both linguistically and physically supportive of our desired outcome.

EXPLANATION

We know that a great way to achieve strong rapport with a person is to mirror their moves and posture etc. But how should you go about this? When you are talking to a person; note how they sit, what their arms are doing etc. and position yourself like them. If they change positions, you change too, but allow a few seconds to pass before you take up the new position. This allows the subject’s unconscious mind to believe you are not copying them. Try to copy things such as facial expressions too, muscle tensions, eye movements etc. When you feel that you have been successfully mirroring for while; try leading. You make the move and wait to see if the subject mirrors you. If they do, WELL DONE! If not, just keep trying! Try different timings of when you mirror them etc.

We can test to see if a person agrees with what we are saying by examining their body language, and therefore we can shift our own opinions to keep in strong rapport with the subject. If we were to be sitting opposite the subject whilst discussing an issue, we could fold our arms (for example) as we say our point of view, if the subject agrees with what we are saying, and you have a strong rapport with him/her, they will follow you and fold their arms too. If they do not fold their arms, but maybe alter to a different position, or seems to be physically uncomfortable, then they are disagreeing with what you are saying. This allows us to change our minds, or let our argument slip a little so that we apparently agree on the issue.

When we are trying to create a strong rapport with a person, it is important that no barriers stand in our way, if anything was to stand in front of us, then our linguistic skills would be put to no use. To create a strong rapport with a person, both you and the subject need to be comfortable with each other, just to the point that you can talk with one another without feeling uncomfortable, you don’t have to be the best of friends or anything like that. If you were to notice a physical barrier in front of you; you have to break it down so to speak in order to build on your rapport.

HOW TO READ A PERSONS BODY LANGUAGE

The way we sit tells us a lot about the person we are about to meet, and also if there are any barriers between our subject and us. Allow me to first identify and explain the best way a person can be sat when you are speaking to them.
If a person seems to be sat upright with hands on the table/leg leaning slightly into you, one leg slightly in front of the other; congratulations, the subject is genuinely interested in you and is listening intently to every word you say. I call this the perfect posture.

If a person is sitting upright with their arms folded to you, then this is the major sign of a barrier. You will notice though that as you talk to this person, using the linguistic skills you will learn from this booklet, that barrier will be broken and they will seem physically more relaxed until they are back sitting in the perfect posture. The person may also be touching their chin; this means they are highly responsive.

If a person is touching their face or covering their mouth whilst sitting with you, they tend to be feeling slightly uncomfortable; they are usually the shyer people. The touching is explained because they are seeking comfort, by touching their face; it simulates a mother’s stroking of the child. It is a sort of self-comfort method. This person can be made to relax into the perfect posture by gradually asking them questions about themselves, whilst giving your opinions too. Be careful if you let the subject take a hold of the conversation; they may start to feel pressurised.

If a person seems to be leaning back in the chair, maybe with their hands on their head, this person is very open and no barriers stand between you, except, that the subject may not be listening intently to what you are saying, to defeat this; ask the subject about themselves, let them take control of the conversation for a while, you will soon notice how quickly they will change their posture into the perfect posture because they are talking about themselves. You can then take a hold of the conversation again, and the subject will retain the perfect posture for you.

CONCLUSION

Do not be afraid of using less subtle gestures than you would do usually when mirroring a person, don’t forget, you do want the subject’s subconscious to notice you! As soon as you start to mirror a person, you step into “their world” just copy what they do, do not be afraid of gestures you wouldn’t normally feel comfortable doing; you wouldn’t normally be mirroring someone!